Shelby, MI 49455 Phone 231-301-2471 ParentswithAngels@gmail.com
Jodi Luckett
February 5, 1988 - April 20, 2007
“TIME WILL HELP YOU THROUGH BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE THE TIME TO GIVE YOU ALL THE ANSWERS TO THE NEVER ENDING WHY?”
- from “Placebo’s” by Brian Molko -
- from “Placebo’s” by Brian Molko -
Jodi, I think of you constantly, I know you didn't want to die...you would be missing me so bad. I'm still here...alone with my thoughts! At first everyone said "let's keep Jodi's memory alive"....but that's sad, so you aren't mentioned hardly ever....you who loved spending time with me, you who loved working at Wendy's and the friends you made at work, Lake Crest Apartments, school, Webster House...everywhere you went you left an impact. I am crushed. I am so sorry, its almost 3 years since you left me, somehow I "existed" without you...not living, just existing..... And yes, I'm taking my medicine and going to counseling, it doesn't fix a broken heart. My honest thoughts and feelings may come across as confrontational or offensive to some...I don't care, I miss you so much, I love you forever, I'm so so sorry I couldn't save you. I love you so much. Mom
Everyday the moment I wake up JODI'S DEAD comes to my mind, I lose my breath and a grief consumes me. Another day doing the same old things, everything on a schedule. I still check my phone, you don't call...ever, you used to call me every hour or so. I now I write to you everyday, I write what I'm doing, how I feel. You hated missing any part of my life....now you are missing everything. I want to talk to you, to tell you things, to go shopping with you, to walk you home on the phone when you got out of work..."walk walk walk" I'd say as you made your way to your apartment, not hanging up until you were inside and had the door locked. Every minute of my day is affected by you not being here. My face is long, sad, fat, worn. My body hurts, my mind hurts, my heart is broken. When I can't believe you are really gone I start feeling sick to my stomach, my heart races, my breathing is labored, my mind takes me to the sight of finding you on the floor, knowing that you were dead, I could hear myself screaming "oh no, jodi, what did you do, what happened?" yea, that's what comes to mind many times a day when I try to convince myself that you really are gone, that you aren't just at your house or at work...I saw you...it was terrible. I cry as I write this, I cry inside and outside everyday. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, I feel bad enough myself. I want to see you, I still know what your perfume/conditioner smelled like. I never wanted to inherit your things, all those things your loved, stuffed animals, hearts, roses, body sprays, hair clips, markers, letters, kid things, stuff you saved for years. I have memories of things we were going to do, it seems like we just made these plans, now you aren't here. You didn't want to die, suicide isn't about wanting to be dead, its about pain, wanting the pain to end. I'm not trying to blame anyone or make excuses. YOU would never leave me....you loved me so much, we had a grown up relationship, best we could anyway cuz' we were both so silly. You loved being with me, you thought I was cool, you loved my cooking, my humor, my sarcasm, you were so generous with me, always buying me things and wrapping them so nicely, giving me clues that made the gift obvious, you couldn't wait for me to see what you bought for me. You were so funny, we laughed so much...remember our "head banging" while I was driving?...you are my best friend, I could always be completely myself with you. Phone calls barely talking, just watching tv listening to each other breathe. Signing Placebo as we rode around town, "Change Your Taste in Men"....that was what you needed to do...U finally thought you got a good one, too bad his attempt to contribute to your house was robbing a bank...you cried, we laughed, unbelievable he would do that...joked about you finding a better guy, one that doesn't rob banks...you always wanted to help the homeless and hungry......you had a big healthy heart, "a heart that hurts is a heart that works" You felt everything so deeply. Happiness, shame, being picked on at school, holidays, friends, pride, sadness.....your love for me....you cared about so many people and so many things, it was too much to think about, your head needed a rest, I told you the final day I saw you that you needed to get some rest, you needed to let your mind sleep. I didn't know you were thinking of dying. I'm so sorry, I love and miss you everyday. I try to dream about you, I wake up knowing I was just with you but can't remember what happened...sometimes I have nightmares. Everybody’s life is going on, mine is stuck, I'm not better, I just don't cry on the outside as much, I push away thoughts of you until later...I still talk to my counselor, I still take my meds, it doesn't erase the fact that you are my kid and you wanted to be alive, to teach, to have a garden, to buy new clothes for your skinny self. You always talked about what you were going to do, things you wanted to do, things you had to do...dying wasn't part of the plan....you wanted to buy a house....just hours before you died you sent me emails showing me houses you wanted to look at...you wanted a new phone....you wanted to come to my house to grill out....you wanted to see me every moment of every day...not NEVER! I LOVE YOU JODI GIRL. MOM …I LOVE AND MISS YOU DEARLY!
Everyday the moment I wake up JODI'S DEAD comes to my mind, I lose my breath and a grief consumes me. Another day doing the same old things, everything on a schedule. I still check my phone, you don't call...ever, you used to call me every hour or so. I now I write to you everyday, I write what I'm doing, how I feel. You hated missing any part of my life....now you are missing everything. I want to talk to you, to tell you things, to go shopping with you, to walk you home on the phone when you got out of work..."walk walk walk" I'd say as you made your way to your apartment, not hanging up until you were inside and had the door locked. Every minute of my day is affected by you not being here. My face is long, sad, fat, worn. My body hurts, my mind hurts, my heart is broken. When I can't believe you are really gone I start feeling sick to my stomach, my heart races, my breathing is labored, my mind takes me to the sight of finding you on the floor, knowing that you were dead, I could hear myself screaming "oh no, jodi, what did you do, what happened?" yea, that's what comes to mind many times a day when I try to convince myself that you really are gone, that you aren't just at your house or at work...I saw you...it was terrible. I cry as I write this, I cry inside and outside everyday. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, I feel bad enough myself. I want to see you, I still know what your perfume/conditioner smelled like. I never wanted to inherit your things, all those things your loved, stuffed animals, hearts, roses, body sprays, hair clips, markers, letters, kid things, stuff you saved for years. I have memories of things we were going to do, it seems like we just made these plans, now you aren't here. You didn't want to die, suicide isn't about wanting to be dead, its about pain, wanting the pain to end. I'm not trying to blame anyone or make excuses. YOU would never leave me....you loved me so much, we had a grown up relationship, best we could anyway cuz' we were both so silly. You loved being with me, you thought I was cool, you loved my cooking, my humor, my sarcasm, you were so generous with me, always buying me things and wrapping them so nicely, giving me clues that made the gift obvious, you couldn't wait for me to see what you bought for me. You were so funny, we laughed so much...remember our "head banging" while I was driving?...you are my best friend, I could always be completely myself with you. Phone calls barely talking, just watching tv listening to each other breathe. Signing Placebo as we rode around town, "Change Your Taste in Men"....that was what you needed to do...U finally thought you got a good one, too bad his attempt to contribute to your house was robbing a bank...you cried, we laughed, unbelievable he would do that...joked about you finding a better guy, one that doesn't rob banks...you always wanted to help the homeless and hungry......you had a big healthy heart, "a heart that hurts is a heart that works" You felt everything so deeply. Happiness, shame, being picked on at school, holidays, friends, pride, sadness.....your love for me....you cared about so many people and so many things, it was too much to think about, your head needed a rest, I told you the final day I saw you that you needed to get some rest, you needed to let your mind sleep. I didn't know you were thinking of dying. I'm so sorry, I love and miss you everyday. I try to dream about you, I wake up knowing I was just with you but can't remember what happened...sometimes I have nightmares. Everybody’s life is going on, mine is stuck, I'm not better, I just don't cry on the outside as much, I push away thoughts of you until later...I still talk to my counselor, I still take my meds, it doesn't erase the fact that you are my kid and you wanted to be alive, to teach, to have a garden, to buy new clothes for your skinny self. You always talked about what you were going to do, things you wanted to do, things you had to do...dying wasn't part of the plan....you wanted to buy a house....just hours before you died you sent me emails showing me houses you wanted to look at...you wanted a new phone....you wanted to come to my house to grill out....you wanted to see me every moment of every day...not NEVER! I LOVE YOU JODI GIRL. MOM …I LOVE AND MISS YOU DEARLY!